Letting Go Of The Anger

Not so long ago, the mother of my violent ex-husband passed away. I hadn't seen her in almost 10 years. So you can imagine my surprise when I found myself feeling VERY angry about her death. I felt cheated. Cheated because there was so many things I thought I wanted, no needed, to say to her face. For me, so much blame for what happened to me rested directly on her shoulders.

I've long fell firmly on the side of nurture in the debate of nature v. nurture, and my perspective of surviving abuse is no different. My parents were far from Ozzie and Harriet, but I never once saw my father raise his hand to my mother. I saw them fight, no doubt, but it was never physical. I didn't grow up in a household of physical abuse. From what I know of them, neither did my ex-husband. So that would seemingly lend itself to the idea that his behavior was aligned with "nature", as in something wrong with him that caused him to behave that way.

However I firmly believe that my ex-husband's mother "nurtured" him to be the person he is. I wouldn't say she did it knowingly, I cannot imagine the kind of woman it would take to do that. It was so much more subtle than that.

For starters, my ex never did anything wrong. That may seem like a common trait for mothers, but this rose to an entirely different level. Every relationship he'd been in prior to ours, ended as the result of something the woman did, to hear her tell it. Every job he lost was because he'd been mistreated. Every time he got into any kind of trouble, she bailed him out of it. So it isn't very surprising how she reacted the first time he really hurt me.

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a Sunday. He took his usual nap, he was working the night shift that night. He got up, wanted something to eat, but I hadn't made anything because Jen was sick. He told me to fix him something, I said he had to take care of the baby then. There was some yelling, nothing out of the ordinary. He walked toward me like he was going to take the baby, so it sent me reeling when he drew back and punched me squarely in the chest. It knocked the breath right out of me and sent me flying into the wall, Jen in my arms. He walked over, took her from me, sat her in the playpen and came back. Based on much less violent fights in the past, I expected he'd cry, apologize and help me back to my feet. I was wrong. He kicked me in the shoulder.

The next day, I was bruised and sore. He hadn't come home. I had to go to work, so I got ready, got the baby ready and headed out. As I opened the door, I was startled to find her standing in the yard.

She said she didn't know if she should knock or wait for me to come out. I remember asking her what she wanted. She told me she wanted to see if I was o.k., that he was at her house where he'd came when he'd gotten off work. He'd told her of the fight, although in his version, it was a mutual physical exchange. I asked her very pointedly if she'd seen one mark, one bruise anywhere on him. She admitted that she had not, so in an act of defiance, I pulled up my shirt and showed her the huge bruise on my chest and the visible outline of four knuckles. Then I showed her the bruise on my arm where he'd kicked me.

It was in that moment that she virtually sealed my fate. I was an eighteen year old mother, working full time, married to a psychopath and out of contact with all of my family and friends. She then proceeded to explain to me how as a wife, I had to learn when to keep my mouth shut, how to honor my husband and what my place was in this family. By the time we were through, I realized it was pretty much my fault and it was my job to fix it and make it better. Because she knew her son and her son would never hit a woman, and I quote "without a very good reason".

When she died is when I knew that I'd been mad about that for over 20 years. In that time, I'd blamed her for failing to rescue me and her own grandchild. She fought me tooth and nail in my divorce from her son. She'd demanded, and got, to exercise HIS visitation rights, because even she knew that he couldn't possibly care less, because by the time we'd divorced, he had another girl pregnant and was engaged to another girl.

Once I started working through my feelings, I began to realize she had paid for her choices, without my hand at all. At 14, my daughter told them she didn't legally have to come to visit anymore and she wasn't going to. My ex had been married at least 7 times that I know of and I am pretty sure there were more. He has numerous children. He bled the life right out of his mother while she was alive. And despite all her efforts, she couldn't save him.

The song The Heart of The Matter says "if you keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside." While that's true, you have to realize you are angry to let it go. Whatever form that realization comes in, accept it, welcome it, deal with it, move on. That's my advice, that's what I'm doing.

Fun is Relative I Guess

Back when Pat and I were really super poor, as opposed to the working poor status we now have achieved, we had little money to spend on time together. So we had to use our imagination. For example, we invented this fun travel game. When about all you can afford is gas money, you have to be creative, so we'd pack a cooler with goodies, grab the cell phone, a map and a silver dollar and head out.

So when we got to the end of the driveway, we'd flip the dollar with heads being left and tails being right. We'd go until we reached the next intersection and do the same thing. I have to say that we have ended up in some....well let's just say less than desirable places at which time the game went into a time out while we got the )(*&% out of there!

But for the most part we found ourselves in some interesting little towns, browsing through stores, reading monuments, checking out State historic sites, you name it. We've had so much fun, I can't even begin to describe it. We visited places that I assure you, we'd have never even found otherwise. Once or twice, I think we may have been the only people who had visited there in years, based on the peculiar looks and "you ain't from around here are ya?" questions we got.

At the same time though, we met some really nice folks, had some great meals and have some wonderful little knickknack treasures to show for it. That and some great memories.

Now we take long vacations at the beach, or like this year, we are headed to Montana. All interstate, all the way....missing those subtle nuances of Americana.

So tonight when my husband asked me what I wanted for Valentine's Day or where I wanted to eat dinner, I said "I wanna be us again, let's play the flip a dollar game". I think for once this Valentine's Day is going to be more than a greeting card holiday for both of us....lookout small town South...here we come!

Life Moves On.....With or Without You

It is really hard to believe that it has been a year since the last time I posted a blog. Wow I was twisted up then too over people's insensitivity, callousness and blatant disregard for the safety of others. In retrospect, that is not far from the norm of what you see in our culture and society overall.

I am in a much better place these days. I've found some amazing new friends, reconnected with some old friends and put all of that drama behind me. Even to the point of pledging 2010 to be a drama free year. To do so, I've actually gone as far as to just flat out tell people that I'm moving on, thanks for the memories....friends that is.

My husband and I will celebrate our 15 year anniversary this year. That for me is nothing short of a miracle, given the disaster of my first foray into marriage.

What does any of this have to do with DV you may wonder? Well actually, alot. For one it is proof that life does exist post-abuse. That and it doesn't have to be a miserable life either. It takes time, it DEFINITELY takes counseling, it takes a desire for a better life and most of all, it takes Faith and Trust. To get the latter, you must have all of the former.

One of my biggest obstacles was, and to some extent still is, trust. I trusted my first husband. I trusted that he'd be a friend, a partner, that he'd provide for me, care for me and keep me safe. When that trust was violated in the most horrendous, aggregious ways, I never thought I'd trust someone that much again. I'm not sure I have ever returned to that level, but I'm closer than I've ever been, that is for sure.

When something happens, like what happened to me on that site, it is a setback of epic porportions. It leads you to question everyone and everything, regardless of their longevity in your life. At any given point, it is easy enough to walk away and give up on it all, to become bitter, angry, resentful and self-absorbed in your own situation.

I liken it to a patched tire. When you have a flat, take out the nail and patch the tire, it appears for all intents and purposes to be as good as new. It drives fine, stays inflated and hums right along. But if something punctures that weak spot, BOOM - BLOWOUT! That leaves you with a bigger hole than before to patch, and much more weakness in the damaged area. If you see trust as the tire, the analogy is simple to follow. Healing a reinjured soul takes longer everytime. But it will come, if you work on it and give it time.

The other important thing is knowing that you are susceptible to this problem, knowing that you are more easily drawn into the drama because it is what you know, knowing that others will never truly understand your fears, and knowing that all of that is ok. Once you are out of emminent harm's way, you have a chance. That's all any of us can ask for.

Well....I guess I was a little testy Sunday afternoon huh?

Not that I retract anything I said, but I do wish I could find a way not to be so hurt by what people who really don't calculate into my life say. This is one faction of my life where my anger always wins out.

Now if you are reading this and you don't know me, look over to the right at the "followers" of this blog. I laugh at the word "follower" because I should SO be following them. Wiser, stronger and smarter, they are all way beyond me. I am so lucky to have them as my friends, my real true friends I have learned over the last few days.

That said, here's what happened:

I belonged to a "social networking site" for women. I put that in quotes, because that was what I believed I had joined. What it turned out to be was much more of a business and much more about making profit than its mantra eludes to "make connections, learn and grow". One would think that at 40+ I'd be a little more savvy that there really aren't any Santa's Virginia.

Anyway, I digress. I joined this site originally for the anonymity from my real life friends. That may sound deceitful, sneaky, weird; but for me, there are just some things that are easier to talk about when you don't have to see the looks on people's faces. Now I am no big power broker or CEO, but I am a professional and I do find that people immediately have a perception about anyone who's a DV survivor. For some reason, it makes you inherently "weaker" than they are because you got caught up in that situation, and they haven't.

In truth, we all know, we are actually inherently stronger than most in my humble opinion. Believe me when I tell you, surviving abuse takes an iron will, mostly because it is a never ending process.

I was always very open on this site about my DV situation. My intent was to reach out to other survivors struggling like me, and in hopes that people who may be in the situation, wouldn't feel so isolated. I must say, it worked. I met so many survivors and I talked to so many women that shared my pain, my fears, my frustrations. We built a beautiful bond. One of the great things was that the site wasn't all about DV, it was just a general meeting place. That allowed all the heavy talk to transition to fun, life related talk that kept us all from being depressed. It was such a fabulous place to interact. With the members, that is.

So a few of us girls decided to meet for lunch. We opened it up to anyone in the area who was a SITE member, but when it came to details, we kept those private. We did that to protect ourselves and be sure we knew who was coming. I had recently been contacted by my ex and this was a subject of a blog on the site, earlier that same week, warning women of the dangers of what you post and how easily you can be found. It was NO secret to anyone.

The day before the luncheon, the site owner/owner's daughter contacted the press about the luncheon and before you know it, there is an article in the local paper. I was very concerned, not only for my own situation, but for everyone. I felt that the publicity was a dangerous idea, particularly in this economy. Not just my ex could have read it, but any crazy perv could have seen it. Now it was one of the women at the luncheon who gave the interview, true enough, but she was contacted and asked to do so by the site owner/owner's daughter. It wasn't the woman's idea, she wouldn't have put it in the paper, and she really had little choice in the matter in my opinion. On top of that, the owner/owner's daughter took it upon herself to invite "new members" to the site, one of which could have easily been my ex stalking me.

So after the lunch, I contacted the site owner and very professionally suggested that it would have been nice to have been given the option to decline attending, had I known our girls day out was going to be used to promote the site.

I was told, and I paraphrase, that it was her site, she didn't need my permission to publicize something I was doing and "your issues are your own". This was about expanding her profit base, not about members themselves. I was hurt, angry and utterly disappointed that a person who professed so much "love for girlfriends" and the desire to create a "community" for them turned out not to really care too much about them personally at all.

It caused a minor uproar of blogging about my departure, because I chose to send all of my friends copies of both emails. After being treated so harshly, I knew when it came to light that it would get twisted if I didn't. I was right.

What spurred the previous blog was comments made by folks on the site about how I "needed to stop letting this man control my life" and to "stop running". It infuriated me because all of that yayaya BS minimizes every DV survivor who reads it. I'll note too that the women making these ignorant comments were acquaintances on the site, certainly not friends of mine, only people who pretended to be.

It minimizes us all as women to be sold out for financial gain, particularly when it is another woman doing it.

Those Who "Think" They Know, Are the Most Dangerous of All

I am always amazed by the legion of women, who do not even KNOW anyone effected by Domestic Violence who THINK they know all the answers. Recently some events have led me back to dealing with my issues with my ex. That for me, after 20 years, is not out of the norm.

Now I have an AMAZING group of girlfriends who I love and adore, who are supportive, understanding and loving. Then there are those on the fringe. Those who are quick to give advice about something they know NOTHING about.

See unless you've been a victim of abuse yourself, you should REALLY refrain from making comments like "you need to stop running" and "you need to stop letting him run your life" and "you can't live in fear". Easy for you to say, unimportant to those of us who are on solid ground, but RECKLESS AND DANGEROUS for women currently in the situation. Telling them to take a stand, and that is what you are doing when you say that to a vocal DV survivor, you are telling those who are in it that they should take a stand. Really, YOU know what they should do? When it gets them killed, will you just go on about your day like, Oh Well?

The other equally dangerous advisor is the "I've been through it and I handled it this way and that is what you should do" person. REALLY??? Unless I am married to YOUR ex, that is IRRELEVANT. Offering advice on things someone can check into or try or look at as a possible answer is one thing, judging someone for HOW they handle it is entirely another!

It is vital that survivors share their stories, talk to and support one another. But when you take the "You didn't handle this the right way" route, you've crossed over to being an abuser yourself!

I try to keep this blog positive and supportive, but the recent chain of events has made it clear to me that some people need to be told to SHUT UP!

To all my girls that follow this blog, I love you all with all my heart! You know who you are, and so do I!

Well, it's been a while, but sadly nothing has changed

I often find myself wondering what it would take for all mankind to stop, for just a moment, and collectively determine that a woman's worth is greater than the sum total of a man's anger?

I am sure by now most of you have seen the Chris Brown/Rhianna domestic violence news. It just goes on and on and on, doesn't it?

In this situation I fear that Rhianna will make bad decisions about how to proceed. I worry that there aren't enough people around her who truly love her for HER and care about her as a person, not a meal ticket, a show pony or a free ride.

I worry that those closest to her, and to her abuser, are the only ones she is counseling with. I feel sure they are in her ear saying ""think what it will do to him" and "this will ruin his career" or "seriously, don't you think the way you behaved played some role in it".

All of these questions are meant to push a victim to let it go. In Rhianna's case, it is probably multiplied x100.

It is hard enough to see from that spotlight glare in your face at that age, much less to make good decisions in the public eye.

Again, I'll ask once more:

What it would take for all mankind to stop, for just a moment, and collectively determine that a woman's worth is greater than the sum total of a man's anger?

So, it is a new day for America, but......

what about you? Is it a new day for you?

I can remember years of wondering "when will I be me again". I was always looking for a way to get back to the girl I was before I married the psycho. I truly believed that I would never be whole again, I'd never be happy again until I could get back to her.

Thus was the waste of the next 10 years of my life. It took me far too long to realize that she is gone for good. It has taken me even longer to realize that is a good thing.

In my opinion, once ANY person has gone through a traumatic event, it changes them permenantly. Fighting that change is futile, for one because it has already happened. For another, if you don't embrace who you become as changes occur, you are only in a battle with yourself. There is no winning that fight.

Embracing who you have become is not always easy either. What if you don't like who you are now? There are lots of things about me that I am not particularly thrilled with. I don't like that I am afraid to be alone at night. I don't like that, no respect to person, if you sneak up behind me, chances are I am gonna lay you out. I don't like that I can't be rational when it comes to violence. I don't like that I have scars, inside and outside.

I could truly go on and on about the changes in me. Some are very personal. But in the end I guess it really doesn't matter. So now, I embrace them. I wear my survival like the badge it is. I speak out, I offer aid, I fight the good fight. I can do all those things because I have changed. I am aware of what women go through because of my own trauma. Otherwise, I might have lived a life oblivious to this blight on society.

So today is a new day for me. I will see what I can do to help, I'll see what new avenues are opening for me to make a difference. This is my chosen cause, what is yours? Do you have one? Will you make a difference?